Well, long time didnt pay a visit. Actually i have test in the following week, but still i decided to close the book and come here. I have no mood to study, perhaps because of my messy thought that i have had these few weeks. I don't have one, and i don't want one, to be at my side to listen to all my silly thought, because i have decided to keep everything private to myself. I never have done this as i used to pour out everything to make myself feel better. But this time, i decided to keep this in myself, forever.
My messy thought started sometime after internship, i don't know when it started actually. I become lazy, i realized, and i m not that determined anymore. This is somehow good in the sense that i didn't feel any pressure anymore, the pressure that i used to feel it every weekends during two sems in year one. However, i scared this is to make everything worse. Everything is getting tougher and i am not sure whether i can cope with it with this attitude. But somehow, i restructured my thought and i discovered i didn't waste my time. I fought with time everyday for my assignments. Hey, this is meaningful as well. I have enough leisure also, just sometimes not enough sleep, perhaps. Haha. But i just realized (also) that i am actually used to sleep late now. I now prefer to finish everything, not being stubborn on the sleeping time. Mom said this will make me become older, and i said, just let it be la. =P
I finally decided to become single. This is a big decision for me actually. I am too used to rely on someone and now i have to work out everything by myself. A challenge, really, but it helps me to learn. I now even know how to fetch people from airport, this is really cool. I never thought i can. =) But somehow, it is quite empty when you are so tired that you need someone to be at your side to listen to your grumble. Hmm, i think now that person is my mom, ha. My mom has become a really great friend of me, listening to me and analyzing with me. She gave me answers for unknown questions in my mind, though i don't know whether what she said and predicted will become true.
And she said something about "something", which until now i still can't believe "something" actually exists in my life. I didn't know how i am connected with "something", and sometimes i rather i am not connected with "something". "something" is now driving my emotion, i realized, i JUST realized. Haiz, this is a painful reality. Somehow this might be one of the reasons that cause the change of my attitude? Perhaps. My mom said something that made me quite... errr.... should i say, happy to hear that? But happiness brings hope, and hope causes disappointment, disappointment will cut my heart. Sometimes i cried because "something" is just too nice until it makes me wondering. And i dislike this wondering because it creates hope, again. I don't want hope, i rather others' hand is held. But the environment just tells me there is some possibilities. I hate the jokes, the laughter, the eye sight, everything from that "something". And, again, I REALLY HATE HOPE NOW.
But i have decided to keep everything deep in my heart. I don't think i will ever tell. If the case goes as what i expect. You know, sometimes we hope for miracle, and we hope tale will become truth, but it is just too optimistic. Besides, i don't want to cause any trouble to "something". So just let me bear everything myself. I don't know how long this would last but i foresee it to be very very very very long. But it's okay, let me bear everything.
Hmm... besides there is some "flies" i have met. It's not that i look down on someone or what, but they are giving me such feeling. I finally know what is meant by kids. Hmm, when he is, he really talks like a kid. I now really get what mom means. And ermm, somehow, i really dislike those guys who always desire pretty girls. You know some guys they have thousands of friends on fb and when you glance through, goodness, all are pretty girls. God, guys like this please don't approach me, i really dislike you. You don't expect after knowing your stupid hobby i will be holding your hands sometimes in the future. Argh! Useless!
Wow, seem emotional. Okay, cooling down. Haha. Haiz, a good guy is hard to find. Ha, if daddy sees this, he will say: "dun think too much la! study la!" Yeah, i have to study now. Really have to. So after this post, let's put down everything, take a deep breath, and begin my study life. Too much assignment to be done! SIGH! But i will be able to handle it! No worries! Add oil Shi Yee! You can do it! Yeah.
To that "something", i'll still keep it in my heart, in fact, it's really good to have came across it during my life. ^^
Oh yeah, i have had the most unbelievable and unforgettable bday in this year. A total shock and surprise! Really thanks a lot to you guys who was in RB! I love you! Muackz!
And to those in LC - i really really really really.... LOVE YOU GUYS! Hahahaha. French-kiss!!! =D
And i wonder, where is all those photos taken... =P
June 12, 2011
11.53PM
It is just like a chicken talking with a duck. They will never know each other, never.
